When I was thirteen years old, a new girl came into my homeroom class. Since I always sat alone and apart from everyone (I was very shy at the time) the only place for her to sit was next to me. She decided then that she and I were the best of friends, though I tended to disagree with that assessment. She decided that it was her duty therefore, as a fundamentalist Southern Baptist and the best friend in the world, to save me from what she saw as eternal damnation.
She never succeeded in getting me to convert, but she did get me thinking very seriously about my faith and I realized that I simply could not believe in the existence of the Christian idea of God. However, I was in no position, being a mere mortal myself, to say that such an idea was wrong. As far as I was concerned, I couldn't possibly know the truth. Once I found out that the proper word for describing this was "agnostic," I claimed that word fiercely for many years.
Time passed and the world around me changed as I, myself, changed and grew into the young woman I am today. Through study of black hole physics and time travel theory, I came to believe in the butterfly effect theory and, thus, forged a belief that we are all interconnected in some way, however small that way may be. Also, I came to appreciate the value of the blood in my veins and the breath in my lungs. I formed an intense Spirituality with life and the world in which it exists. I felt unity with the earth and the sky, with the water and the sand. I felt more alive when I was very cold or very hot than I could remember ever feeling and I took simple pleasure in the setting of the sun. I fell into my art and expression through words and I cross-examined myself every step of the way so that I could gain an Understanding of what it is to be uniquely me.
The summer of 2002, I went up to Washington State to stay with a friend for a while and to gain new Experiences. While I love the warmth of the Florida sun and could never manage the chill of a Seattle winter, I fell in love with mountains--mainly, Mt. Rainier. Once, while we were talking about "the Mountain," her roommate mentioned that the native populations had considered the Mountain to be a goddess. This really struck me, and I thought, so clearly in my head, well, She IS a goddess. She controls the weather, goes by Her own rules, and one can pass through every season of the year just by ascending Her peaks. She reflects the sunlight and shines through the darkness. This, I thought, was what a goddess would be: a great tower of life and everything within the bounds of that word.
I think this is when the Goddess showed Herself to me. At the time, I was sorely missing my family and my home, I found out that the girl I was in love with had gotten a boyfriend and I hadnt spoken to anyone but my mother in weeks. I felt so small and useless, but whenever I thought of the Goddess Mountain, I realized that life, simply, goes on. Decades will pass, and someday I probably will forget how I felt that summer. Life is a fast-moving river and its useless to try and pole your way through it unless you move with the current, because wherever life wants to carry you is where you are going to go, regardless of how much you fight it. And so I let go. I lifted my anchor and I tossed my poles and paddles away and sat down to watch the world around me. And once I really did this, once I just gave into the river of life, I realized that life is unspeakably beautiful. There is so much that we, as human beings, simply don't understand about it. That was one of the most amazing revelations I'd ever had. Since then, I've been so much happier, calmer, and more aware than I could have imagined being. All of the bitterness I'd held inside of me from quarrels long past finally faded away.
I believe that the Goddess came to me then, and that She gave me the peace that I have inside of me now. Since then, life has gurgled along its merry way, taking me along a Pagan path and into the arms of a girl who loves me back. Since I spend so much time analyzing my reactions, I always know when something is right when I do it and that is also one of the greatest gifts I could ever have gotten. I think, in many ways, She was always there with me; it just took a mountain for me realize it.
Downloadable books (free):
Aleister Crowley - White StainsMorwyn - The Golden Dawn
Aubrey Bell - The Magic Of Spain
